date: Thursday, December 09, 2004 @ 11:00 pm
title: Day 19: A Day of Happiness and Drepression... Why is Everything Crashing on the same Day ?!?
My eyes are hurting after sobbing over my stubborn parents... My eyes are bloodshot red. It hurts when I blink... Tears are swelling within my horizon and my vision is slightly blurred.
Trying to calm myself and prevent further embarrassment.. I'm now listening something useful... Some contemporary Christian music. My stomach hurts from the dinner I had; drank slurpee to have brainfreeze to calm my nerve-racking soul.
I'm feeling useless, utterly useless... in this type of real life situation - my parents fought ferociously, like two wild creatures shouting and screaming at each other...
When I received a sms from my sister, who just returned from JB, that there was trouble, I thought she was just kidding... I was so naïve. I thought everything would be fine if I try to honor my parents in any way I can. I'm so tired... of trying to keep up with them.
Since as young as K1, I have never tasted home cooked lunch or dinner... Both parents (seemed) working hand in hand with each other to help recover my grandparents' blood shed business. Help to save the reputation of the shop, at the extent of family bonding and everything.
I really miss my mum's cooking.. Every time when I was young, I envied my classmates who had home cooked recess food.. Every time, they complaint that the food was horrible, I wanted to bash them up... hard.
Everything has a price to pay... whether you know. My freedom was paid at a price of lack of parental approval in anything... Even though, I did well when in primary school. Received quite a handful of awards, they weren't with the spectator assembly. Neither taking photos nor cheering for their son to be poised when receiving...
Contrary, I always encouraged my friends to be forgiving and understanding if their parents were late for the award presentation, when my parents weren't even considering attending it, even if I persuaded profusely to them...
This year, when I was getting one of the most prestigious award in school - Service Award for Scouts. They didn't give any thoughts to that ceremony and just waved their sorry-busy-can't-go gesture. I was so heartbroken initially.. but God gave me the assurance that He was there for their absentness.
God was always there for me.. when I sobbed, I was pouring at his feet.. my unhappiness, my insecurity, my hatred...
Once He gave me this,
“Honor your parents and live long. "
It was a huh ?!?... what-you-taking-about reaction.
But now, I understand. When I was in circumstances with my parents out of reach. My friends were there to support me, but many had different heart as me... soon. I left them, 'cos i knew that God had prepared a new set (I would say..) of church friends and secondary friends that par better.
Many friends.. I would say. I would name a few...
Joshua and Bertram
Both of them are very corny sometimes, but they are really a pillar of support. Though, I’m different from them. One is the ARSENAL fan, the other a softball champion, we had the same heart. (You rock.. guys)
Pastor Char, Brother Sean, Sister Yvonne & Su..
The team spirit and respect I have for them is utmost, that words is priceless to describe how much spiritual guidance they gave and discipline they enforced in my walk of faith... (My spiritual parents thank you. haha.. )
They are like spies... who work in secret and with discreet that alter the shape of my miserable life. They opened windows and broken the chains of self-centerness. Marked and changed the course of my life. Spies-like pals... hehe.
Of course.. some (wild) women that also affected me. Those I hang out usually. Made me immune to womanhood... (as if I will be going through it.) But they enlightened me what I should look out for my future prospective spouse that I will care and love wholeheartedly...
Gosh.. a blink of eye. I'm 16 already and Christmas is just around the corner. Maybe, the perfect Christmas gift from God will be... found my love bird and tie the knot... SIAO!!!
Unless He says so and pastor and parents give the green light... I will not hesitate a mille-second more to propose, “Would you marry me?"
Hey!!! It's not only a girl's dream to be the bride of the day... Guys too anticipate that day of proposal when friends and strangers cheered for your successful proposal in the posh restaurant with... " I do, absolutely I do.."
Happy faces welcome the soon-to-be couple in my church... when the whole church congregation rises along with the traditional/contemporary wedding hymn lingering... Best pals filming the exchange of rings and the longgggg... approval: "You may kiss the bride.." ( ArgX.. I'm blushing.)
Haxi... My brother is back. Den my mom recited the whole to him, with some approval comment from my brother. My Dad is asleep, don't know whether is it to shun from mom.
Brother just gave me a tug on my shoulder, or should i say squeeze my shoulder blade.
My life is just so messed up, down, left, right and center. My eyes are so tired after all the weeping. Hope that everything would be fine tomorrow as the Sun rises and sets in God's nature order.
Really hope that time is a healer.. with God's grace.
And also for myself...
About the direction of my relationship compass..
God's love is sufficient, so I will not consider any relationship yet. Until His selfish affection for me is able to bear another person, whom I will lay my life for her... ( also the church. haha..)
